breakfast for dinner
the jig is up. we're undressed.
I’m on the second edit of the play, when you knock on my door. You look exhausted.
Can I come in?
Yes.
I get back to my desk, and you sit on the old sofa and take off your shoes.
Can I take a shower?
Sure.
When you return, you smell like me. Your cheeks are flushed. You heat up the food in my fridge, chicken and rice, and sit against the kitchen counter and finish it in all of ten minutes. You drink a whole bottle of water and refill it and take it to the bed, and soon enough, I can hear your soft snores.
I stay at the desk until four in the morning, when it’s late and the light is beginning to appear. I put the blinds on, and tie my hair and wash my face. I stretch my sore stiff body, and I get into bed. You put an arm around me, and you’re warm and deep into sleep that you don’t notice when I lift up your arm to get more comfortable.
We sleep in. At some point in my slumber, I notice you wake up. Your phone rings, and you answer it. Your voice is heavier.
Yes.
See the Tokyo numbers.
Is it bad?
Kind of.
Okay.
You wake up, and open your email, with just one eye open, with the shock of the morning.
I watch you a little.
God.
You moan at the screen.
You don’t get out of bed. I’m grateful for that.
You call back, but it’s over in a minute.
Is everything okay at work? I ask.
Nothing I can solve at this hour you say, and keep the phone away.
We get closer in bed. You hold my face, and kiss my head.
How late did you come to bed?
Around an hour ago.
Jesus, and I thought I worked hard.
I work nights.
I know now.
Am i disturbing your process?
what process?
the morning slumber?
no?
no?
no.
okay, good.
I would hate that.
you’re not disturbing anything. you’ve no idea how happy I am you’re here.
you turn your face towards me.
okay. have we hit that ceiling on happiness?
Maybe, i’m not sure.
I’d like to reach that goal.
That’d be nice too.
i’m going to think of things.
that’s unnecessary.
when you say I make you happy, I get very motivated on making you happier. for example, what would you like for breakfast? i’ll cook.
oh wow. eggs and pancakes.
okay, easy. coffee?
yes please. okay good coffee.
do you wanna sleep in for longer?
maybe a bit?
will they miss you at the office?
not anymore than i’ll miss you at the office.
okay smart ass.
I have a question.
shoot.
why is it that we add eggs in pancakes but that’s not considered a healthy breakfast?
oh. you’re asking all the tough questions today.
I’m not sure, maybe something to do with the percentage of things.
okay.
okay.
do you still want them?
yes.
okay.
i’m glad.
what are you thinking about right now?
whenever i’m happy, i’m thinking about whether my reaction to things is appropriate.
appropriate?
not appropriate, like I wonder if this is how a normal person with a healthy childhood would react.
so you’re thinking about your childhood?
a bit. yes.
okay.
I get worried that I’m not emoting as well as I should be.
well, there’s no test.
yes, but the fear is that if i’m not emoting well for a long time, you may leave me.
is that what you’re thinking of when you’re happy?
sort of.
okay. so you think of how everything could go wrong when things are good.
doesn’t everyone?
maybe, i don’t know. why don’t you tell me more?
god. okay. I feel like I can tell you things sometimes and that you won’t run away. qnd that makes me fall for you. because I begin to trust more.
that makes sense.
it does right? i’m always scared, of my emotional logic sounding strange outside my head.
no, it makes sense. I feel that way too sometimes?
you do?
yeah, with other people. not with you.
yeah?
yes.
how come you don’t feel that way with me?
I feel safe already. on some level I guess. I trust my gut. I’ve been in so many situations when I’ve felt like I need to leave from the back door, that when I feel a little bit more stable with a person, I can tell I can manage how I feel around them.
that’s nice. you’re a healthy woman.
I guess so. You helped with that too.
I’m glad. that makes me happy.
should we stay in? and sleep for a bit.
yes, we can do the pancakes later.
for dinner, you chuckle.
great minds.
we turn towards the same side and bury our face in pillows. I’m grateful it’s the weekend.
…
damn.